Bloody Kids... the Things I Hate the Most about Parenting Under Fives

You know I love my boys right? I mean I’m their mum and therefore, they’re amazing. Naturally you might not agree with me that my kids are amazing, but if you’ve got your own kids, you’ll at least think they’re amazing. It’s one of those irrational qualities parents have and it’s probably a handy human trait - otherwise I think we’d all be abandoning our kids and running for the hills, because bloody hell, they can be challenging little turds at times.

No this isn't a climbing frame

So, we were at the British Club on Sunday, and both of the boys were being pains in the arse for whatever reason – both of them are going through belligerent stages. On this particular day, Steve had had enough of them and I was in a more accepting mood – we do tend to take it in turns. There was a point when all three boys were engaged, so I had an opportunity to observe other parents dealing with their kids - around the same age as ours - who were also being pains in the arse but for different reasons – such as being sooks (or sulking for the non-Aussies,) throwing temper tantrums, or whatever.

Later on Steve said: “I just wish our lads could be quiet and compliant, just some of the time.” While I agree with him, the reality is, all kids are a pain in the arse at some point and in some ways, and compliant or not, no one’s got it any easier. Kids are just being kids, finding their way and figuring out who they are right? My boys don’t have temper tantrums and they’re not sooks, but they don’t listen and they stretch the boundaries of safe play every day, which is turning Steve grey and making me more haggard, but they’re great little buggers too.

The other day, when I was hanging out with them at an indoor playground (and as they couldn’t give two shits if I was there or not,) I decided to take some notes on the things they do that absolutely shit me to tears.

A favorite for Lex

And here they are...

1.    Dressing - getting kids dressed from the day they are born goes from being a fun activity to a big pain in the arse very, very quickly. When the boys were little, Steve used to describe the process as not dissimilar to wrestling a bucket full of eels covered in KY Jelly..... Despite the slipperiness, in the early days it was relatively controllable. Now you’ve got to get them to stand in one place, face you and participate in the getting dressed activities – not that they want a bar of dressing themselves of course, they’re too busy eyeing up the next challenge. Our boys are independent in many ways, but dressing themselves holds zero interest. OH, and let’s not forget my two fashion conscious tykes actually want to choose their own clothes now.... awesome, another 40 minutes added to the morning rush process!!! Getting shoes on and off is also another annoying part of getting dressed and I am just very thankful for Crocs, as well as for living in a warm climate where not too much clothing or accessories are required

2.    Brushing teeth - as a general rule, I would rather eat l’escargot than brush Jax’s teeth – since five months old, he has been a complete pain in the arse when it comes to brushing – my word he carries on, but naturally, it stops as soon as the brushing stops, so it can’t be that bad? Anyone would think we were torturing him. On another level, we hope never to be told he has a tender gum issue, otherwise we’re going to feel like complete arseholes! Thankfully, Lex is a dream with teeth brushing

3.    Car antics - getting them in and out of the car – what a bloody sideshow we must look like every time we turn up somewhere!! They’ve recently started hanging their heads out the window while the car is moving, they spend a lot of time on the back parcel shelf, on the floor where it’s difficult to get them, they love to climb on top of the car (yes the roof but only when the car is stationary thank god,) and constantly want to turn on every light, press every button, open every compartment, lock the doors, etc, etc... “Just get out of the bloody car” is my usual response to the situation and let’s not forget we are living in a steamy place, so stuffing around is exacerbated by being stuck in a hot, airless car park. I have to admit that the only time I come close to panic is when I am stuck in a hot, airless environment, so I’m not a happy camper with these antics in particular

This always ends up a mud bath

     4.      Public loos - anything to do with public toilets! I know how clean the toilets are at home, but public toilets I do not, and my ever curious chaps are into EVERYTHING. “Do not touch the blue box, it is full of used sanitary napkins” – “do not touch any part of the toilet bowl it is covered in pee” – “do not touch the toilet floor or let your clothes touch the toilet floor because it is filthy” – “do not touch the rubbish bin because it’s a rubbish bin” – and Steve’s favourite (which I have not been able to witness) is “don’t touch the deodorizers in the urinals please.” I can only imagine what the neighbouring pee-ers think when they hear me carrying on in a public toilet. I absolutely hate going anywhere near them with my boys, because in some cases, the toilets aren’t high enough for Jax and he can’t help but touch it

5.    Nagging and being ignored - being a bloody nag and not being listened to until I yell – my word I do not enjoy this at all. Much of the time I spend with the boys involves me barking, “stop that, stop that now, STOP THAT NOW OR ELSE” – all the while leaving me wondering when will they get to the point of listening before I have to yell? I absolutely hate yelling - it is awful - but sometimes a yell is necessary as their lives really are at stake some of the time – I should take a picture of the roof Lex climbed up on recently.... We have the added bonus of two little boys not far apart in age, so when you get one to stop being a pain in the arse, the other one thinks cool and does the same thing..... grrrrrrr.... What’s that all about? I really really hate the yelling and policing role of parenting and I seem to have been doing a lot of it these last few years... Please don’t tell me I’ve got 10 more years to look forward to...and before the warm ‘n’ fuzzies jump in with “gently explain why you want them to stop” or similar, we’ve spoken to the boys until we are literally hoarse – it just doesn’t cut it I’m afraid



You will note that getting them to eat and off to sleep isn’t on the list, because we don’t have a problem with these activities – although Jax has been pushing the slow eating thing of late.... I know some parents have trouble with these things, but thankfully, not us, so that’s one little bright spot for us huh?

But everything is alright because complete strangers always make me/us feel better with the immortal line (accompanied by a smug grin) of “you’ve got your hands full with those two haven’t you?” To which I usually adopt a fake smile and feel comfort in the knowledge that, one day, I will commit violence - probably towards someone wearing a smug grin while I’m sweating in an airless basement car park or similar.

Lex got a round of applause for this stunt

So tell me – in what ways are (or were,) your little under five darlings a complete pain in your arse? I’d love to know that I’m not alone??!!

Yours, without the bollocks

Andrea