My first mammogram

I recently went through the sphincter clenching embarrassment of getting a mammogram. It appears that I am now officially within the age bracket that is required to get a screening done every couple of years. Cool! So I’ve got to ask myself - is all dignity gone now? I mean, from 40, do we just have dwindling dignity to look forward to? God I hope not.

Anyways, my gorgeous mate Suzie, also of generous sized mammories, decided to get hers done in Singapore. The reports came in soon-after and apparently it was quite an experience because the machines weren’t big enough to take all of her buxomness - Asian girls do tend to have significantly smaller boobs than us Caucasian chicks after all - the lucky things. So poor Suzie had to get snap shots of bits and pieces of boob for the scan and all the while the woman doing the scan thought it was hilarious. I would not have been happy in that situation, but the legend that is Suzie took it in her stride.

So now it’s my turn. I arrived at the clinic with Suzie’s story firmly in my mind, and while I’m pleased to say that machines in Australia are able to cope with any jug size, it’s still a hideous bloody process. They put each boob between two bits of a plastic screen, mention that it might be a little bit uncomfortable and then they pressssssssss! As my boys say - “ouchie!” The image of a pancake did come to mind. Once flattened top to bottom, you then have the added bonus of side to side flattening – the pleasures of being a woman I tell ya.

But it was over and done with and I’m pleased to report that I’m clear as a whistle as I expected I would be - there have been no cases of breast cancer in my family that I know of. I’ve also got to say the sort of women working at the clinic were perfect at making me feel comfortable – so bravo Breastscreen Queensland. They were professional yet gentle, had obviously seen it all and they did everything they could to make me feel unembarrassed – a pretty challenging task in its own right. Put simply, it was business as usual for them, but not for me...

So even though it was a green light this time, it’s time to accept that as uncomfortable as it is, it’s something I’ve got to do. I just won’t be doing it in any Asian countries. Shit if I did it in Singapore they’d probably bring the entire workforce in for a laugh! And you think I jest? It’s happened when bra shopping in Hong Kong. There’s something strangely weird about other women laughing at the size of your tits I can assure you.

Yours, without the bollocks

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