The Top 10 Things I HATE About Getting Old
Here we go:
- You finally get the opportunity to sleep for 10 hours straight and your body says, fuck you, no-can-do, because your body aches so much, you can’t stay in bed even when you want to. It’s definitely time to make that osteo/physio/chiro appointment a priority huh?
- You start getting a little bit forgetful, even forgetting what you were saying in the middle of saying it, although that could be a post-pregnancy thing...
- Somewhere along the way your toenails start getting a little bit thicker and harder to chop – but never your fingernails, oh no – they’re still thin and flaky thank you very much
- Your skins starts taking on a more crêpey texture, especially your hands, your chest, neck, and of course, your face.... I’ve also noticed that, for some people, this is the time when liver spots start appearing on their hands, and all that sun damage starts showing up too – with brown sun spots suddenly appearing everywhere
- A great friend once told me that her pubes were going grey... I can’t attest to this as a fact, but if I could, it should definitely be on this list, as well as head hair and other body hair going grey – again, not one of my challenges in the aging process at this point in my life
- You start hearing yourself saying things like “the young people today don’t know how good they’ve got it” and “when I was young...” – remember how it annoyed the shit out of you when your parent’s said stuff like that?
- Any bad habits you’ve been hanging onto start playing havoc with the mind, because you now start facing your own mortality and recognise that it’s probably a good time to clean up your act before it is too late
- You hit an age where regular doctor’s appointments must be made to check up on things that have more of a chance of biting you in the arse. You may recall my blog post about my first mammogram? Other examples include men getting their prostates checked more thoroughly; colonoscopies suggested more readily; blood tests becoming the norm; and so on. You know, shit like that?
- People start discussing the desire to undertake huge physical challenges, like doing the Everest Base Camp trek before you’re 50 (Sujay) or competing in an Iron man competition, or maybe even just a simple triathlon – we want to know we’ve still got it right?
- And the shittiest aspect of aging, and one I experienced recently – you lose your “Bar Presence” a.k.a. one’s ability to get the barman’s attention. This is a poignant time in your life as you jostle for attention against all of the young, fresh faced beauties you are competing with, and while good on them, I just want a drink please? Not to mention, older people usually have more money and tip better, so bar staff, think of your wallet and not your penis. Besides, I know a few older broads who could teach you a trick or two in the sack anyway!
Yours, without the bollocks