Can I Resign as Mum?
Steve’s been away for two weeks and the toughest time is weekends – just spending so much of it alone with my mini-men. Fortunately, there’s an amazing woman in my life, Vick, and she is an absolute legend – I don’t know what we’d do without her, a reality we’ll be facing far too soon as she’s due to go home in April L. Anyways, when it comes to the weekend, we obviously take on the boys to give Vick a break, and, well, because we actually want to spend time with them.
Unfortunately, our little boys are going through intense growing up phases at the moment – especially Jax. Moaning? My god I’ve never hear anything like it. And the Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum… give me a break. It is intensely challenging for this particular mum to do 24 hours a day – and it IS 24 hours ‘cos Jax continues to sleep in our bed ‘because he’s scared of lots of stuff at the moment - bless. Then of course they’re boys too, so they also spend a large part of the day beating the shit out of each other as well. Neither of them back down though, which makes me a little bit proud. But it’s definitely exhausting.
So the combination of missing Steve and being without him, along with the boys being big pains in my arse, as well as extra emotional ‘cos they’re missing their Daddy… well it left me wanting to resign my role of Mum quite a few times these last two weekends.
BUT I am in my grateful month and so, I can’t resign my job as Mum, because I really am so very grateful for my wonderful little lads. They are the magic in my life, and they make me laugh like no one I’ve ever known. The way they see the world is amazing, bizarre and brilliant – I love how they observe and provide commentary for what is going on around them – even the really mundane stuff. They teach me and remind me of the important things – like living in the moment, or fully maximizing every single day ‘cos it’s awesome, or playing with someone just ‘cos you can and it feels good. These are important things to remember but easily forgotten in adulthood.
I also feel really touched by their love at the moment. Lex seems to have gotten over his cold-shoulder treatment since I started working full-time, and now, whenever I’m home, you can usually see two little boys walking along behind me – shower, toilet, bed – wherever I go. It is incredibly sweet and I feel honoured and privileged to be that person in their lives, although a little more peace on the dunny would be nice.
I often wonder why I was gifted with these sweet boys, because there are definitely much better Mum’s out there, but I was given them to guide into adulthood and I just want to do a decent job at it… well at least instil some great values in them that will help them on their way. I don’t know if I’ll get it “right” – because what’s “right” anyway? – but I’ll sure try hard not to screw them up, but how can I guarantee that when I’m probably screwed up already anyway? Ahhh it’s a mind fuck this parenting bollocks.
One way I can be a great mum is to remember to be grateful to them for being in my life every day – because I really am. But it isn’t easy in the real world, especially when you bring into the fact it’s my boys - my two crazy, busy, hectic, frantic boys – who are definitely not the easiest chaps to raise. Not to forget we’ve had some really tough challenges along the way as well – and we’re still dealing with many of them. I can definitely say these last few years have added up to a hell of a lot of intensity, and that’s meant being grateful has not come easily. Then again, from where I’m standing, that’s saintly stuff and I ain’t got a lot of that in me…
The early years have definitely not been my forte on the parenting front. I have found the madness, chaos, disorder, as well as the interference of outside influencers a little too much to deal with much of the time, but I must always remember to be grateful for my lads. They really are superb characters, and in some way, both of them are going to achieve spectacular things throughout their lives. There’s definitely no dampening of their spirits, because let’s face it, this lioness of a mother would never stand for that!
Yours, without the bollocks